Ships Passing in the Night: How Couples Therapy Can Help You Get Back on Track
Does it ever feel that you and your partner just keep missing each other or barely have time for each other? When this happens, do you often leave more hurt and rejected than loved?
This feeling is more common in couples than you think. Being in a relationship can be just as beautiful as it is complex. Here are some things to contemplate when you feel that your relationship with your partner will just never get out of the difficult season.
Patterns that keep coming up:
Merging two people together in a relationship and lifestyle can be a wonderful adventure, but it can also feel like you're dancing on a tight rope trying to keep balance without falling. Things that seem little at first such as chores, schedules, and finances can turn into frequent arguments, nasty words, and result in both of you feeling entirely alone and misunderstood.
Being or feeling misunderstood is incredibly common in relationships and life in general. In a relationship, you want to feel seen, loved, and safe. Being attached to another person is a source of survival, and in a relationship, we seek out partners for joy as well as our natural need to connect with another human being.
As Gary Chapman says in his book, The 5 Love Languages, “ …the need to feel love is a primary human emotional need.” When we don’t feel loved in a relationship, there tends to be more misunderstandings and an increase in each partner not feeling heard. When we don’t feel safe or in sync with our partner, we sometimes struggle to communicate our needs.
Communication
Communication within our relationships when feeling unsafe or unseen causes us to communicate in unhealthy ways, which often lead to arguments and further detachment from our partner. Your underlying needs of support and love can turn into demands for—or distance from—your partner. Both of these reactions cause exhaustion and loneliness. The way we understand each other is important, and mis-communicating our feelings out of withdrawing or pursuing too much in the relationship causes more strife between you and your partner.
As Dr. Sue Johnson expresses in her book, Hold Me Tight, “When (partners) felt secure with their lover, they could reach out and connect easily; when they felt insecure, they either became anxious, angry ... .or they avoided contact all together.” In order to feel safe in your relationship and build healthy communication, you need to take time to get to know yourself and your partner to break down why you're feeling unsafe and what is causing the disruption in your communication patterns.
Feeling safe and secure in your relationship:
Pay attention and remember the small and big moments you felt loved by your partner. What in that moment did they do or say that really made you feel loved, seen, and heard? How does your partner feel loved? In his book, Chapman wrote, “The love languages of one person is not necessarily the love languages of another.” Find out your love languages by reading his book, talking about it with your partner, or taking his quiz.
Pause and make time. I have heard from so many couples that there is no time or that their schedules will always be hectic. If we live in a mindset of not being able to change, then we won’t—and the problems in our relationships will continue to manifest. Make small changes at first such as making a consistent date night and showing love to your partner in different ways. These changes will create more time to understand your partner and understand the problems.
If you experience struggles or avoid talking about your childhood or difficult experiences in life, attend individual therapy. Learning and working on yourself will help you understand your needs and be more conscious of negative patterns you might be bringing into your relationship.
Attend couples therapy. This may seem daunting at first, but it is a time for you to get to know yourself—and your partner—better. I would suggest Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), as this therapy concentrates on breaking down your unhealthy communication patterns, understanding relationship needs and fears, and building attachment, security, and intimacy within your relationships.
If you are feeling stuck or alone in your relationship and want to take steps to rebuild trust and closeness with your partner, please reach out to schedule an appointment. I offer EFCT to couples and would be happy to help you and your partner along this journey.
To schedule an appointment or complimentary consultation with Jasmine, please email jasmine@perspectivepsychchicago.com or call (312) 219-4256.