Effective Communication: How To Ask For What You Need
Communication is our way of conveying our wants and needs. When we think of ways to communicate, our first thought is usually talking. However, we also communicate with our facial expressions, body language, touch, writing and, of course, technology. Each way we communicate conveys our wants and needs differently. Listening is also part of communicating. We must be able to take information in and make decisions based off it.
The style of communication you use depends on both the situation and environment, as well as the person with whom you’re communicating. You may address concerns differently with your boss as compared to your co-worker, for example. You may also approach frustrations with a spouse differently when you are at home alone versus out at dinner with a group of friends. Therefore, when it comes to communicating, the first step is to think about the nature of your relationship with that person, and the next is to think about your environment. In the moment is not always the best time to bring up, or deal with, an issue.
Bringing up an issue or concern can feel overwhelming. As a result, we often avoid this encounter, which can make the situation worse. We grow more and more upset, and a lot of times the other person doesn’t even know something is bothering us. If you don’t bring it up, odds are the problem won’t get fixed.
Broaching certain topics may feel difficult, but it’s the best way to get your needs met. Use the steps below to feel more comfortable when engaging with someone.
Think about your end goal ahead of time
It's important to think about what you would like to get out of the conversation. Are you hoping that your boss will give you more time to prep for meetings? That your friend will text when they are running late? That your roommate will clean the kitchen after they cook? Have suggestions in mind and be open to their ideas as well. Ask the person if they can agree to your solution, and if they say no, discuss a middle ground. In some situations, you might have to try a few things before you find what works best to solve the problem. When communicating, stick to the facts and stay on track. If the conversation starts to veer off track or becomes personal, simply restate that you want to discuss “X” only.
Consider the timing
If you’re upset, make sure you give yourself time to cool down and mentally prepare for the conversation. Check to see if the person is in the middle of something and gauge their mood before starting the conversation. It’s important that neither person is upset or emotionally charged prior to starting the conversation. When we go into a conversation upset and emotional, we tend to focus on our emotions and not listen to the other person. As a result, the conversation isn’t productive and nothing gets accomplished.
Be mindful of your tone of voice and body language
If you’re talking loudly or quickly, it’s a sign your emotions are taking over and your message will likely get lost in the mix. Therefore, focus on speaking calmly and slowly. You also want to appear confident by standing tall and presenting yourself in an open way. Avoid standing with your arms crossed, and be mindful of your facial expressions. When it comes to confrontation, focus on being assertive, not aggressive.
Use the sandwich approach
The sandwich approach helps keep the person you’re approaching from getting defensive by showing them that they’re appreciated and that you notice the positives as well. To use the sandwich approach, start by saying something positive, then your want or need, then end with something positive. For example, “I appreciate your help and that you’re taking initiative with the project. However, could you give me more notice when you’re scheduling meetings? This will allow me to be more prepared and best help us work together.”
Use “I statements”
It’s okay to express your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, but do so by using “I statements,” not by attacking the other person’s character. “I statements” allow you to stay focused on your personal feelings and reactions versus blaming or attributing negative labels to the other person. For example, rather than telling the other person that they’re rude or that they don’t care about your issue, which the person will dispute, tell them how their response made you feel. “I felt dismissed by your response,” or “You not answering or calling me back made me feel worried.”
Ultimately, effective communication allows us to build confidence and strengthen our relationships. We feel understood, validated, and more connected, which helps ensure that our needs are met.
If you need help improving communication in your personal or professional life, please feel free to reach out to start relationship counseling. I would love to help you achieve your goals.
Dr. Amelia Powelson is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), and the owner of Perspective Psychology, LLC. She can be reached at 312.588.9672 or amelia@perspectivepsychchicago.com.