How to Support a Loved One Who is Grieving

It’s one thing to lose a loved one directly; it’s another to watch our closest people experience grief right in front of us. As we know, grief comes in many shapes, sizes, and colors.

One of the more complex pieces to grief for many of us comes in the shape of watching someone else grieve. Whether that’s a colleague or a romantic partner losing a parent or family member, or a friend going through a difficult fertility journey, we want to try our best to offer support despite not feeling the exact same distress they are experiencing. Some of us have “been there” and already experienced loss before, so our empathy and understanding can be expressed more naturally, whereas others may have never had to face a loss so directly and may feel very stuck in knowing how to act and what to say.

As a grief therapist, I often hear another side to the grieving process: “I don’t know what to say,” “I don’t know how to help them,” or even, from those grieving, “I wish they could understand how it feels.” Importantly, I also often hear, “I don’t want to be a burden” on both sides of that puzzle.

Sometimes it’s not about what you say or how you say it; it’s simply you being there. Despite the discomfort you might feel of seeing a loved one in distress, your presence means more than you might understand. You simply taking the time to sit with a friend and keep them company, calling or texting them to check in, and continuing to show that you’re thinking of them reminds them that they are not alone.

Learning to simply listen, not offer advice, problem-solve, or try to fix them is also key. When someone is grieving, often there is no problem left to solve, it’s letting your person take the time to grieve, shed tears, share memories, and find comfort in feeling heard. There is more power in feeling heard than we give credit. Additionally, never try to rush someone through their emotions or experience. Grief can take time, and that time looks different for each unique person and their unique loss. So, be present with them and know that you are walking a difficult journey next to them as they regain their footing.

In essence, to offer support to someone grieving, you can remind them that you are there for them, call them, express that you are available and open to listen. You can even tell them that you don’t have the perfect words or advice, but you are there as a listening ear and to help them hold the memory of their lost loved one close.

But what if you don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to support someone right now?

That’s okay!

If you’re running on fumes yourself, not feeling well, exhausted from work, already supporting others who need you, or feeling especially heightened, sad, or anxious, you might not be the best person to offer support to someone grieving until you take care of yourself first! So, I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on how you, yourself, are doing before stepping in to take care of someone else (remember the “oxygen mask on the airplane" rule?). You can express how much you care for your loved one and that you’ll get back to them soon. They will understand and will want the best for you, and it may also help remind them to take care of themselves despite the pressures of getting back to normal after a loss. 

Taking the time to attend Grief Counseling can help tremendously, whether you are grieving, anticipating a loss, or wanting to help support a loved one who is grieving. The therapists at Perspective are wonderful, trained listeners and are ready to hold space to help you get back on track to support and strengthen your relationships. 

Aimee Fizor is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) at Perspective Psychology. She can be reached at 312.219.4707 or Aimee@PerspectivePsychChicago.com