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Putting It In Perspective

Maintaining Healthy Connections: A Step-by-Step Guide to Relationship Check-Ins

In today’s fast-paced environment, it is easy to find yourself getting caught up in the daily grind. In the midst of everything, it is quite common for our personal relationships to take a backseat. With various personal commitments, work pressures, and busy schedules, we may find ourselves neglecting what is most important to us (or those who are most important). 

Despite this, there are steps we can take to prioritize those who matter most to us. Engaging in a “Relationship Check-In” with your partner can be a powerful tool to enhance your understanding of each other and foster positive and meaningful conversations. After all, communication plays a vital role in establishing a strong emotional connection, resolving conflicts, and overall satisfaction in the relationship. In “Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever,” Dr. John Gottman, the founder of the Gottman Institute, wrote, “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”

Let’s talk about the small acts and gestures we can make.

What is a Relationship Check-In?

A Relationship Check-In is a structured and planned time for a couple to touch base with each other and assess the overall health of their relationship.

What is the goal of a Relationship Check-In?

A successfully executed “Check-In” can lead to enhanced understanding and empathy, increased trust, and open communication, all of which can help resolve conflicts, strengthen bonds, and improve self-awareness. The overall goal of the Check-In is for the couple to feel more connected. 

How often should we Check-In?

The frequency of Check-In is up to each individual couple. Typically, weekly or bi-weekly is a good place to start. It is recommended that a structured time is set aside. Discuss with your partner and decide what you are both comfortable with. 

How do we prepare for a Check In? 

  1. Find a space for your Check-In where you can have a calm and private conversation. Remove common distractions such as phones or television. The goal is to create a comfortable environment that promotes open and honest communication.

  2. ​If it feels comfortable to do so, write a few brief notes during your Check-In. It can be a great way to track your progress or reframe a previous situation.

  3. ​Take necessary breaks as needed. It is recommended to set a time limit for a relationship Check-In.

We are Ready for a Check-In, Now What? 

Step 1:

According to Dr. Gottman, a successful relationship check-in should start with a “5 Appreciations” warm up. This step will allow the couple to focus and highlight any positive aspects of your partner and your relationship. Focus on highlighting their strengths and best qualities, as well as things they do that you value and admire. The goal of this step is to set a positive tone and reinforce the love and respect that you have for one another. It is recommended to take turns sharing:

I appreciate _______ because_________. 

Helpful tip: Remember, you are both on the same team.

Step 2:

Talk about what is going on in your relationship. During this step, a couple is encouraged to discuss what is working, improving, and going well in the relationship. 

I’m proud of ______.

We did really well at ______.

I think ______ is going well because _______.

You did a really good job at ___________.

We are getting better at _____________.

Helpful tip: Allow your partner the space to share their feelings and emotions. Practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and paraphrasing their words to gain full understanding. Lastly, validate their emotions to let them know you are listening. 

Step 3:

Pick an issue to focus on and discuss or process any regrettable incidents. During this step, make sure to take turns sharing any concerns. It is vital that each partner is given an equal amount of time to speak and express themselves. If speaking out of turn is an issue, use a “talking item” that the speaker will use when it is their turn to speak. 

Put your listening hat on. According to research conducted by the Gottman Institute, it is counterproductive to try to problem-solve before each partner feels understood. 

Helpful tip: Be honest and open when sharing feelings and emotions. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory and  focus on your own experiences and perceptions.

Step 4:

Share one thing your partner can do to make you feel more loved, connected, and supported.

Step 5:

End the Check-In by confirming with your partner that there isn’t anything else they would like to address. Often times, it is recommended to use this time to make upcoming plans, discuss any house chores that may need tending to, and discuss anything else that may be coming up. 

Helpful tip: Express your gratitude for each other and recognize the effort you are both putting into the Check-In as it can help foster a positive mindset.

In conclusion, doing a Relationship Check-In can have numerous benefits in maintaining healthy connections with our loved ones. Keep in mind this should be a regular practice. By prioritizing our relationships and investing time and effort into regular check-ins, we can nurture and strengthen our bonds, improve communication, increase emotional intimacy, and much more.

In addition to regular check-ins, relationship counseling can also be helpful in promoting stronger, more loving connections. If you would like to strengthen a connection in your life, please feel free to reach out. I would be happy to help you on your journey.


Sabina Skupien is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) at Perspective Psychology. She can be reached at 312.219.4062 or sabina@perspectivepsychchicago.com.