Two Keys To A Healthy Relationship
Communication and trust often go hand in hand, and they’re the biggest factors that lead to a healthy relationship. Before you can effectively communicate with and trust someone, however, you must feel comfortable with who you are as a person.
To have a healthy relationship, you need to be healthy and happy with yourself. Knowing who you are and what you want will help you choose a partner who is a good fit for you. When you’re still figuring these things out, it’s easier for you and your partner to grow apart.
As you have more life experiences, your views and interests develop and change. Your partner should have some of these same views and interests because your partner should also be a friend. They should be someone you laugh with and have fun with. Someone who you can turn to for support and someone who will challenge you.
Problems will inevitably arise in a relationship. There will be fights and disagreements. The focus should not be solely on the fact that you’re at odds. It should also be on how you handle it.
Communication isn’t just about what you say. It’s also about how you say it. Your tone of voice and how you phrase things make a big difference. When being assertive or bringing up a sensitive topic with your partner, two techniques can help the conversation go smoothly. The first is the “sandwich approach,” which is where you say something positive, your want or need, and something positive. For example:
“I’m so glad you have hobbies you enjoy, but the house is often left a mess afterwards. Could you please be timelier with cleaning up? This will allow us to enjoy the space together.”
This helps keep the other person from getting defensive because they’re able to see that you recognize positive aspects as well. We become defensive out of a need to protect ourselves, and when the positive is acknowledged, there is less of a need. This is an important piece because when we become defensive, protecting ourselves becomes our focus instead of the message. If the message isn’t heard, change won’t occur.
The other technique is “I statements.” I-statements allow you to express how you feel, along with your response to the situation, as opposed to blaming or accusing the other person of doing something. Instead of saying your partner was mean and disregarded your feelings, let them know that you felt hurt and dismissed. When a person feels they’re being blamed, they become defensive and are no longer listening. Saying how you feel takes it off the other person and puts it on you so that what is being said can’t be disputed.
When you have those arguments, it’s important to stay on topic. It’s easy to compare and play the “blame game” of, “You did the same thing when we were in this other situation,” but that isn’t going to help what is going on in the moment. Although it’s tempting, try not to bring other situations into your current situations. Table that for another time.
Good communication, it is worth noting, is not just about how you communicate in difficult times. Make sure you show your partner your appreciation in good times as well. When they do the dishes or take the trash out, let them know that it doesn’t go unnoticed and that you appreciate it. These small acknowledgments remind our partners that we value them.
When you communicate well with your partner, it makes trusting them easier. You know the person better, which in turn makes you feel more confident and secure within the relationship. When those concerns or insecurities do come up, it’s easier to be open, discuss them, and move forward. Having trust in your partner and your relationship allows you to enjoy your time together and also maintain your independence. It lessens anxiety and stress because you’re not spending as much time in your head wondering what the other person thinks and assuming the worst.
If communication or trust is lacking in your relationship – either individually or with your partner – Relationship counseling can help you overcome these challenges and re-establish a healthy connection.
Dr. Amelia Powelson is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), and the owner of Perspective Psychology, LLC. She can be reached at 312.588.9672 or amelia@perspectivepsychchicago.com.